Ugh...Vulnerability

How to fail without failing. Maybe?

Back in August 2023, when I made the decision to begin writing for public consumption beyond lengthy social media posts, I was terrified of failure. Not failure in numbers of readers, but rather, my follow-through. Admittedly I have an extensive history of false starts and failures to launch. I started writing on this platform in conjunction with finding a fabulous therapist and dealing with the death of my biological father and the unfinished business we had. I wanted to feel validation for something that I love doing and think I am fairly good at doing. Then I had kidney stones resulting in months of pain and ultimately surgery, mental health struggles, parenting crises, more family emergencies and life did not slow down. In fact, I felt like life was happening at a breakneck speed, and 2-4 posts a month was terribly daunting. I have SO MUCH to write about, and did not have the mental capacity to do it all. Then, there was a bit of a break through in therapy using a technique called brainspotting. I highly suggest anybody not ready for talk therapy to let this be a gateway into healing your trauma. The neuroscience behind it is fascinating and it has changed my life! With the healing that came from brainspotting, I had a true turning point in how I saw my future.

I had an experience with a teen girl (a friend of one of my kids) that ended up staying in our home for a few nights after she got into a physical fight with her mother. She is an immigrant child, in the states since she was six. She has a step-father that she struggles with and she is a teen girl with a foot in American teen culture and the other foot in her families culture. Sometimes those cultures clash, emotions ride high and mistakes are made. I will not go into details, as it is not my story to tell, but she trusted me enough to help her and my family did. We made pasta, watched movies and played games and she was safe, happy and felt loved. No expectations to be anything but a fourteen year old girl. By the end of her stay, I had become a mediator between her and her mom. Though the communication was tumultuous at times, I helped them navigate the situation and make a plan so as to avoid future altercations. That was five months ago, and I would not say they have a perfect relationship, but it is better. I didn’t do that for them, they had to do it for themselves, but it felt good to help mitigate the negative effects of an argument gone too far. For the first time in my life, I was the adult (outside of my family) I wish I had when I was a lost teen. In relaying the story to my therapist, she asked if I had considered becoming a social worker or a therapist myself. For another first as a fully grown legal adult, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. It became so obvious to me that there was no choice but to pursue a type of social work.

Telling hardly anybody, I enrolled at New Mexico State University in the Social Work program and just finished my first semester. Nobody wants to talk about me going back to school for fear of me not finishing. Again. I get it. So I’ve kept it relatively quiet, but after this first semester, I do not care who knows. Hell, we don’t have to talk about it. I’m finally doing it for me. Everything that I had failed at up to this point literally did not matter. The insecurity I felt from a teacher telling me over a decade ago that my writing was more than she thought I was capable of has been overshadowed by a new experience: not caring. I am not doing it for anybody but me. The research paper I wrote about applying the psychological developmental theories we learned about to ourselves, garnered me extra credit, putting my final grade at 101%. Extra credit that was not offered for the final, but she appreciated how much effort I put into it the paper she gave me the extra credit from all the previous assignments that I did not bother to do because I had a good grade. It was not an easy class but that paper the most cathartic thing I have done for myself other than therapy. I did it for me. Me. Not for a future paycheck, not hesitantly whilst waiting to be judged harshly by a teacher or classmate…just for me. Did the extra credit and teachers incredible feedback help? Absolutely! But I was ready for her to say it was mediocre at best and was at peace with that ( yet another new experience). Will I finish? I don’t know. I sincerely hope so. I have no apprehension about the future, which is new for me. I will take that as a win.

Will I continue writing? I am really going to try. I will remove the pay option, as it is incredibly rude to ask for money without providing a consistent product, amiright... For those of you who did support my endeavors with your pocketbook, you have a special piece of my heart for believing in me and putting your money where your mouth is, walking the walk, talking the talk, practicing what you preach, all the cliches! I still want to write what’s on my heart and I intend to do that, but I gotta squeeze it in between my new life schedule. If you choose to continue following, we’ll be touching on such topics as parental estrangement, autism, anxiety, therapy, motherhood, womanhood, ADHD, and maybe even some music. More likely, it’ll be stream of consciousness, but if you’re willing to suffer through some inconsistency, come along for the ride!